i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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