he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
