Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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