this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
