Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
