i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
