i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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