her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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