alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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