I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize