Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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