So drunk its hurt
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize