Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
