google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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