i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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