Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
