My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
