i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
