If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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