I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
