She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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