My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
