I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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