I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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