does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
