Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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