Only a mothe r could love this liver
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
