i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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