you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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