I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize