I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I love you. Go after that dick
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
