laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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