At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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