I'm lost and stupid without you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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