I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
