For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
