That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
