I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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