I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
