You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
