allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
