someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
