i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize