Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
