I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize