Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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