I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
