Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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