The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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