dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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