My cat gives me a boner
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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