fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
