tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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