I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
