just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
