I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
