I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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