I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
