I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
