Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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