I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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