Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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