Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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