i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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