we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
