Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
